The Bruce Masters Column

The Brexit for Dummies, by Bruce Masters

The following article is an excerpt from the book One Election Please… How J.K. Rowling Bought British Politics, Hid Her True Self and Hoodwinked the World—an Unauthorised Biographical Exposé.

Chapter Fifteen — The Brexit … for Dummies

(A Pizza Analogy)

There has been so much confusion, so much propaganda and so many lies told about the now famous/infamous British referendum on continuing EU membership that I just had to – well someone had to – shut the book on this debate once and for all—I think this pretty much sums it all up:

Here is the Brexit vote explained, the two different sides, as expressed through a food-based scenario.

Ten people, two pizza choices.

They all want different pizzas (the 10 people, mostly working class, a few middle class and one or two upper class/elite class) for different reasons, but they all agree that they will go with the majority decision.

It is dangerous to cross the majority of voters or ignore their will

They (the 10 people in the room who are ordering pizza) have always hitherto consumed the same pizza—cheese pizza (the EU, in this scenario, is represented by cheese pizza).

The 10 people knew what cheese pizza was like, so it didn’t really need to be sold to them or justified to them or explained to them. But the elite individual and middle-class members of the group plastered the walls with leaflets, posters and other “educational” material, pushing cheese pizzas as the only choice for the group, spending an obscene fortune on the production of the pro-cheese-pizza propaganda materials in so doing.

The 10 voters were not mentally disabled or considered ineligible to vote whatsoever, they were able and fully entitled to vote on their pizza choice, they were equal (humanly and in the eyes of the law) to one another and free thinkers—so did not require the “values” of continuing to have cheese pizza (the EU) explained to them. The patronising angered those seeking a different taste sensation, some of whom made the decision to change their food order vote, based solely on the pushiness of some of their fellow voters who, it seemed, had vested interests in ordering cheese pizza, they were just too passionate about it all, too obsessive.

Irrespective. When some of the 10 people started talking about having a ham and pineapple pizza (which represents British independence, voting to leave the EU), for some reason, a few of the 10 people thought it necessary to REMIND everyone about just how amazing cheese pizza was.

Many people are lactose intolerant

‘Guys, now I know a lot of you don’t like cheese pizza, and have had it for many decades already, so your tastes have been decided by now, but let me tell you a little more about cheese pizza because I just don’t think you get just how amazing it is, despite its negatives, you know, how much more expensive it is and that ordering cheese pizza has increased unemployment and caused many social and economic problems for the working class and minority communities here…’

The people who want to try the ham and pineapple pizza, because they have had enough of cheese pizza and can’t stomach another bite, tell the cheese pizza advocates that they are not stupid, that they know what cheese pizza tastes like, thank you very much; but the ones who want cheese pizza to be eaten by those who don’t like to eat it won’t take no for an answer—they shout and shout and shout and shout about cheese pizza, it almost turns violent…

If there is a second vote, why not a third and fourth?
Resepct the electorate and democracy or move to N. Korea

Every scare tactic is used by the cheese pizza lovers, like scaremongering that if you choose ham and pineapple pizza, the ingredients may be hard to find, with no one there to deliver them, and it will cost more, and the world will think the ham and pineapple pizza eating nation an ignorant, small-minded, evil, racist, xenophobic and Satan-worshiping nation because their tastes for pizza have changed due to experiencing cheese pizza for so many long years that have been great years for non-British cheese pizza eaters and the cheese pizza lovers who benefit financially from being locked into a cheese pizza cartel with Europe (employers, big businesses and elites). But the folk at the bottom, the majority of the 10 people in the room, don’t benefit at all from the cheese pizza lifestyle, not in any measurable way. In fact, they don’t even get their fair share of the pizza, they get the scraps, the cold and dry crust, which cannot sustain them—which is why they express their wish for a different kind of pizza…

The pizza of choice for the majority of British voters

Despite the vocal, wealthy and angry minority (with vested financial interests in cheese pizza) spending so much time and money pushing cheese pizza propaganda on the group, the majority refuse to swallow it!

The majority of the 10 say, ‘We haven’t always eaten sodding cheese pizza. Once we could choose what we wanted to eat, when we wanted to eat it. Once we made the rules. We are tired of being told what to think and what to eat, we cannot take one more cheese bloody pizza; in fact, we are positively lactose intolerant!

‘If YOU want cheese pizza, if it is your DREAM food, then move to Eastern Europe or to France or anywhere in the EU where you can get cheese pizza all day and night long, until that is, the people there decide they have eaten all they can of it also, and then you will have to find somewhere new to go, if you hate the idea of ham and pineapple pizza just so much—independence.

‘If you don’t want to live in Britain and eat the majority choice of pizza and if Europe goes for ham and pineapple also, there’s a place called North Korea, which may better suit your culinary tastes, as, you see, the foodies there don’t get a choice in what pizza they eat, which I think is your preference also, not letting the diners choose what they eat.

Some are trying to push Britain VERY left…

‘Yes, go there, or anywhere else. We don’t like cheese pizza and you wouldn’t either if you were forced to consume its crust and cold remnant, not washed down by the fine wines and champagnes that you are so used to.

‘Mention cheese pizza again or us not knowing what kind of pizza we like again (we know what we like actually) at your own peril. Eat your tasty ham and pineapple slice and be quiet.’

—Bruce Masters


The Rowling trilogy of books by the author Bruce Masters is now available in eBook and paperback worldwide.

The Rowling Trilogy of Books:

  1. J.K. Rowling in: It’s a Kind of Magic.
  2. One Election Please… How J.K. Rowling Bought British Politics, Hid her True Self and Hoodwinked the World—an Unauthorised Biographical Exposé.
  3. How Not to Get Sued by J.K. Rowling.

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